Amy Winehouse: Now Covered In Blood

They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab, she said "no no no" - but they tried to make Amy Winehouse do drugs with a hooker until she got in a fight with her husband and they left their hotel covered in blood, and she said "OK."

You literally can't open a newspaper today without seeing pictures of Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil staggering around outside a hotel looking like they've both gone 12 rounds with a particularly vicious tiger. And you'll have read the claims saying that Amy Winehouse got in that state because Blake Fielder-Civil had been beating her up. But it appears that these claims couldn't be further from the truth - Amy Winehouse herself has come forward to say that the reason she was pictured covered with blood is because she was trying to cut herself and do drugs with a prostitute and her husband told her not to. Which, we're sure you can all agree, is much better.

We've decided that making jokes at Amy Winehouse's expense is a bit of a pointless exercise - not because she's obviously in a very fragile mental and physical state at the moment but because the amount of successive rock bottoms that Amy Winehouse keeps crashing through instantly renders all jokes about her redundant.

Last time we heard from her, Amy Winehouse had cancelled her American tour because she recently took all the drugs in the universe and needed to get her stomach pumped before realising that drug overdoses weren't fun and going off to a special rehab on a private island. Then leaving rehab to go down the pub. Then going back to rehab. Sounded like Amy Winehouse had reached rock bottom, hadn't it? Hadn't it?

Wrong! Because in every single one of today's papers we can see pictures of Amy Winehouse covered in blood because she'd apparently been in a vicious hotel room fight with her husband. The Daily Mail reports:

An eyewitness said: "Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn't catch up. Amy was so hell-bent on getting away from him that she ran into the middle of the street and flagged down a random car that happened to be full of girls. She was saying, 'Quickly, I have to get in, I have to get away, please help me'. Her voice was breaking, you could tell she was scared. The car drove off at speed and ended up about a mile away at Charing Cross station… Blake ran after the car for a while. He spent the next half hour or so wandering around in a daze with blood over his face, looking in doorways for her."

Wow, so Amy Winehouse was beaten up by her husband? That has to be rock bottom, surely. Well, yes, until you read Amy Winehouse's account of what happened, which makes a little bit of wife-beating seem like the least tawdry pursuit on the face of the earth. Blake only got angry at Amy Winehouse because he caught her cutting herself and doing drugs with a prostitute. This is what Amy Winehouse told Perez Hilton in his one of his rare breaks from scrawling the word 'skank' on a picture of Britney Spears like some sort of cake-addled toddler:

"Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other… I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life… He did not and never has hurt me. He has such a hard time and he so supportive… He is an amazing man who saved my life again and got cut badly for his troubles. All he get's is horrible stories printed about him and he just keeps quiet, but this is too much."

OK, so Amy Winehouse attacked her husband because he saw her self-mutilating just before she was about to take some drugs with a prostitute in a hotel just over a week since she had a near-fatal drug overdose. That has to be rock bottom, right?

Well, yes. For now. But join us next week when Amy Winehouse has unprotected sex with an HIV monkey, stars in a harrowing bukkake video then empties the contents of her stomach, bladder and bowels into a barrel of dirty heroin syringes before jumping in and dancing the Macarena to No Surprises by Radiohead in slow motion.